what should i say? what is left to feel or do that’s not already been? so i will stay again. here i sit and smoke as i watch the world pass by. do i lie? if there’s any more to this open my eyes. do you sympathize? getting older, somehow bolder, and i want to cry. can i find something new? something that won’t fade away and that i cannot lose. where will i find a better place? somewhere i won’t need to hide my face. from my judge and jurors. someone needs to tell them all i won’t be shamed again. for what it’s worth. i am much stronger now. now that years have passed me by and the have shown me how…how to be a friend. even if it breaks my heart and sears my soul i will not break this vow… to be a friend. been through hell and touched the flames and i came back again. somewhat wiser now. we’re not part of the crowd. we’ve worked so hard i could not be more proud. do i make sense? or am i just too tense? how could it be that we could walk this fence? have you forgotten how…to just submit? have you kept on trying or did you just quit? coudl this be wrong? where do we belong? we just might find some meaning in a simple song. can we choose where to go or did we take too long? can i pour out this heart? would it be wasted or maybe just a start? would you like to know… the whole damned truth or maybe just a part? well where should i start? would you listen or would it bee too hard? long time ago. the mem’ries play like an old forgotten picture show. but i still don’t know. oh where did all the smiling children go?

written by Daniel Dessinger May 1999Â

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ever since i can remember. from the time of that first memory. wanted something warm and tender. something i could touch and see. i’ve watched the world drift past me. noticed all the looks and stares. and how each one is hurt and empty. wishing simply someone cared. for now, it is enough to be aware. to hurt for them in all their pain. as they glare at me behind cheap attempts to pull my leg again. to look beyond what glimpse is offered. and see the depth that lies behind. the mask they wear is for their own protection. though they say it is for mine. these things i notice for no reason. except that no one ever took the time. to lay their lives down at the altar. and help me dealt with mine. who wants to be weak? and show their hurts? and let someone abuse them? what is to gain from being real. unless those hurts have helped them? from here to there i’ve searched around. to find that “just one thing”. no woman’s foot could fill that shoe. no finger fit that ring. i want to live the life called “good.” which no man near has seen. to live as drunk and satisfied. as newlywed obscene. i cry for love to deafened ears. the devil always answers. he tells me i should linger in the past. but i’m no necromancer. it doesn’t make much sense, i know. what i need i cannot touch with feeble limbs. some abstract thought that somehow flows. my own cerebral Thames. why should i let her rule this heart? and break it on a whim? what is the point of drink and drugs if all i get’s a grin? there must be something more to gain. i tell myself too often. there must be something i have missed. to cause my heart to soften. sometime dreamer or romantic. my dreams are high and lofty. but now the tears that fall are sorrow. they crash down ne’er too softly. but where is hope? what chance have i if parting cleaves my heart? i need much more than games and lies to anchor a new start. does this make sense? do you hear my heart? it cries out to be known. i’m sick of playing “brave strong warrior”. when all i want’s to be a son. the father’s arms so strong yet tender. surrounding me with love. pour molten courage in my soul. protect me like a glove. invite me in. your strength will shape me. as my rebellious boyhood. cracks like brittle cups of tea. the discipline i must endure. the rest will have to wait. for you i’ll let my heart be tender. for you i’ll stand up straight. how much more needs be said on this. this prodigal returned. he’s found the place where he belonged. and from the past he’s learned. how many words more would i waste. when there’s no ear to hear? these wasted words on endless breath. this child full of fear.Â

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