Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

The most difficult thing to do in life is to find your happiness. Considering that we spend approximately 33% of our lives sleeping and almost 25% of our week working, it's no surprise that so many people are dissatisfied. Most of us spend our childhood having our families tell us that we "have to go to college" and "have to get a good job". More often than not, we are given the directive but no real plan of action.

I was given the same orders growing up. So, I hurried up to get out of high school and go to college. Unfortunately, it wasn't long before I failed out. My performance had little to do with whether or not I was smart or if I could apply myself. It had everything to do with my inability to see the benefits or the necessity of a college degree. A big part of it was that I just wasn't ready to accept the slice of working-class pie that the world is offering.

The best advice I ever received from my stepfather was when he told me, "they don't call it work for nothin'." Truer words have never been spoken. If it was supposed to be fun, it would be called something else. It's also the reason that we often feel that we were meant to do other things in life. I don't know about you, but I didn't grow up dreaming of becoming a desk jockey. (On a side note: I never dreamed of becoming a writer of an advice column) I dreamt of being an artist. I wanted to be the next Picasso or Rothko. And in a lot of ways, I still do.

At the same time, I need to be able to keep the lights on and food in the refrigerator. So like most of us, I walk the tightrope of life. It's a hell of a balancing act to maintain. Every day, I want to get up and walk out but I don't. I have to allow myself my moments to dream of setting my desk afire and feeling the explosions at my back. Then my phone rings and I am back to reality. I'm back to giving my all (well, 70% or so) to a company that doesn't appreciate me as much as I wish that they did.

I'm right there with you buddy. I feel your pain brother. I'm willing to bet that like me the money was the worm on the hook. And just like the fish on a fisherman's line, it sucks to know that every moment of your day you feel that you are being reeled in. When income is a driving force, it's incredibly difficult to break free. Money doesn't buy us happiness, it gives us options. More often than not, we choose the option that will provide the most positive feedback from our peers.

That's the reason that we buy 80" HD Televisions, 3 mpg mammoth SUVs, and 6 room houses that we can't afford to furnish. We choose a lifestyle that solicits the WOWs. It makes us feel warm and fuzzy inside. We become WOW junkies. We have to continuously go bigger and better to feed our addiction.

Like any addiction, we generally know what is going on, but we feel powerless to overcome it. We make excuses for why we can't break away. For you, it's that you have bills to pay. For some it's because of family obligations. Still for others, it's lack of education, training, etc.. At the end of the day it's just excuses. The reality is that we're always going to be in debt in some manner or another. What happens when you pay off your student loans? Sure, you might save a little or you might start applying this newly freed up income to your mortgage or car note; but more than likely, you're going to find something else to spend it on. That's a way of life.

There are really only two options that I could recommend if you truly feel that you have a greater calling. The first is to spend the time doing a little soul searching. Find what it is that you would rather be doing. Maybe you make a list that you can post on your bathroom mirror that you can look at every day. There is a good chance that you already know what you want to do and you just need to spend the time figuring out your plan of action. One key step to include in your plan of action is to learn how to live leaner or find ways that you can start surviving with less income.

This may be as simple as brown-bagging it for lunch and cooking at home, or it could be that you have to break out the scissors for your credit cards. Nobody said it was going to be easy, but it is definitely going to be worth it. The other option I'd propose is to slip on your jockstrap and take the leap of faith. By forcing yourself into a crisis, you are given the opportunity to get the most out of yourself. The instincts take over and you are not given the chance for your brain to out-think itself.

It's not easy to find all of the pros when your life is constantly pounding you with the cons. Overcoming the fear of all of the consequences that a life change presents is in itself a monumental achievement. So let me present you with one question: Do the consequences of making a life change outweigh the consequences of living a life that is devoid of real happiness?

One key thing to remember is that your biggest allies in any life decisions will always be your family and friends. They will always support your choices when it comes to you finding your happiness. Don't be afraid to ask for help and for their support. You'll be surprised at how much strength and courage they can provide. This is because we all find happiness in seeing those close to us succeeding. In a way, seeing your friends succeed is in itself a small win for us.

Life is always going to be the 800 lb. gorilla on your back. It will always be the rain cloud over your head. But it does not mean that you can't make a change and do what you need to do to find your happiness.

Anonymous, I thank you for your question and I wish you the best of luck in your life. Please keep me posted and abreast of your progress. Don't be afraid to take the road less traveled. Succeed or fail, you've got a life lesson ahead of you.

Fix-it Nix can be contacted via email (nixjohnson@hotmail.com)

My husband told me he only liked basketball (the Mavericks) when we started
dating. Then the Cowboys started winning again, and suddenly he's a football
fan too. I did NOT sign up to be in a sports family. I have zero interest in
sports. But football? I don't even approve of it as a sport! A bunch of
grown men behaving like animals and crushing their poor little brains into
one another carelessly risking all sorts of brain damage. Who thinks this is
a good idea?!?!

Anyway, my husband is suddenly a diehard Cowboys fan, and he has to watch
every single game. We already don't spend enough time together because of
his commute and our kids and everything else that life throws at us. How am
I supposed to be okay with him wasting at least 3 hours a week on brain
smashing while I'm taking care of the kids or just missing that chance to
spend time with him?

Please fix it, Nix.

- Leslie

Leslie ,
BREAKING NEWS from planet Earth. Guys like sports and they often stretch (or in this case, shorten) the truth. I’m sorry to break it to you, but your husband is a man. And being a man often means that you don’t always think about the consequences of what they say when they say it. I’m a firm believer that every mother, aunt, older sister, or female cousin should make sure that all young women are taught this early in life. The sooner you accept that, the happier you and your husband’s relationship will be. At the same time, it’s probably a good time to forget all of the things that your husband said back when he was trying to work his way into your pants.

Back to the situation at hand, you seem to a really bad opinion of sports in general and football in particular. My experience with women that did not like sports seemed to come from the fact that they just did not understand the fundamentals of the sports enough to enjoy watching them. If this is the case, then this gives you a great opportunity to spend time with your husband learning about something that he likes. Have you actually spent some time trying to enjoy sports with your husband? You would also find yourself something of a bargaining chip when it came time for your hubby to do things, with you, that you like. When I was married, my wife and I often found those compromises. I can’t say that I liked going to the opera, but knowing that I’d be home on Sunday to watch the Cowboys play and not be expected to spend that time at Bed Bath and Beyond helped me to get through it.

Another thing to think about (that you probably haven’t yet): if your husband spends so much time commuting, then he probably didn’t end up with his dream job. Most little boys don’t spend their childhood dreaming of becoming accountants or salesmen. They dream of becoming professional athletes, astronauts, and (in the case of 5 year old me) garbage men. Very few guys actually get to do those things. The majority of us do not go on to play sports beyond high school. So the next best thing we have is the joy of being fans. When our teams win, we win. And for a couple of hours a week, we are able to spend time somewhere in our childhood dreams and not the reality of commuting, jobs we hate, or any other daily pressures.

Leslie, you may not always understand your husband, but I’d venture to say that you both love each other and your children. This means that the time that you spend together may not always be what you envisioned it being. Why not make the 3 hours on Sunday a time for your family to spend together cheering for the Cowboys. The same goes for spending time watching cartoons with your kids or finding a way that the whole family can help cook a meal together. What is more important to you, making sure that you don’t watch sports or finding the time that the whole family is together?

And if you just can’t find yourself willing to spend time watching the game with your husband, then you could always spend that time doing something for yourself while he watches the kids for a couple of hours. Just don’t be upset if you come home to find your kids screaming, “GO COWBOYS!!”

As the old adage goes, women are from Venus and men are from Mars. This means that we all have our differences and it is up to us to find common ground. If we don’t try to learn to love the things that we hate, we’ll find ourselves hating the things that we once loved.

If you or someone you know has a question for Fix-it Nix, please send an email to nixjohnson@hotmail.com.

I promise that I’ll take all of your questions seriously and your anonymity will be maintained at all times.
Have you ever wondered why guys scratch themselves so often? I’ll answer that. Why does your boyfriend ask you to do that thing he likes? I’ll answer that. Why didn’t he call you? I’ll answer that.

What I lack in a psychology degree, I more than make up for in pure blunt, brutal honesty. So if you have a question that needs to be answered, but you’re too embarrassed to ask a friend, family member, or even your closest confidants, why not give Fix it Nix a shot?

Send all questions and inquiries to: nixjohnson@hotmail.com

I have the benefit of having grown up in the Dallas/Ft. Worth Metroplex. When I was young, the Southwestern Conference was in its twilight. It is safe to say that in 1986 when Southern Methodist University received the "Death Penalty" from the NCAA, the SWC was effectively done for. The Death Penalty did more than penalize SMU's athletic programs and dig the SWC's grave, it destroyed all the buzz about college football in DFW.

Prior to 1986, the biggest college football game, other than the Red River Shootout (Texas vs. Oklahoma) every October, was always the SMU vs. TCU game. "The Battle for the Iron Skillet" was the equivalent of a shouting match between Ford and Chevy truck owners. It was the Civil War of DFW households. I personally was involved in two different elementary scuffles regarding SMU vs. TCU.

After the Death Penalty came down, that rivalry lost its punch. It lost its relevancy. People forgot about how great those games were. TCU spent the post-SWC stretch playing bad football. With the hiring of Dennis "take the money and run" Franchione, TCU went into something of a renaissance and has a perennially bowl-eligible team under Coach Gary Patterson. Arguably the best running back in the NFL, LaDainian Tomlinson, helped to make TCU relevant again. While TCU has managed to turn their football program around, SMU is still rebuilding.

To the credit of the board of directors of SMU, the hiring of Coach June Jones, away from Hawai’i, was a bold and aggressive move to bring the football program back. Coach Jones is going to make $2 million per season, but his salary is less of an outrageous amount of money to pay a football coach. It is more of a down payment on a rebirth for SMU. More than 20 years after the Death Penalty, the Metroplex is ready to have a reason to cheer again.

It’s not going to be an immediate turn around. Jones is starting a true freshman this year. The Mustangs will take their lumps, but as with most things, the night is usually the darkest right before the dawn. I, for one, cannot wait to get back to Ford Field and Amon G. Carter Stadium when the SMU/TCU rivalry is back in full force. Of course I will be wearing my bright green UNT attire. What can I say? I’ve got to show love to my alma mater.

Don’t sleep on the Mean Green. Former Southlake Carroll head coach Todd Dodge is now in his 2nd season at UNT. Last year was a dismal 2-10 (1-6 in conference play), but Coach Dodge’s recruiting efforts have not gone unnoticed. All I am saying is give UNT a couple more seasons before I start getting bombarded with “love” letters.

It is safe to say that none of the 3 DFW Area are going to be contending for a national championship any time soon, but we are on the verge of a great time to be a fan of college football. So get out there and scream until your voice is gone. It’s football time, baby!

1. Humor Lives on Long After the Comedian Dies
Many SNL alum have died well before their time. Call it a curse. Call it fate. Call it what you want. Either way, Jim Belushi, Gilda Radner, Phil Hartman, and Chris Farley all died way too young. We all benefit from being able to go back and watch them on VCR tape or DVD. Their comedy will continue to live on long after SNL is gone.

2. There is No Situation That Cannot be Laughed At
Whether it’s appropriate or not, laughter is incredibly therapeutic. There’s a reason that crying and laughter are so similar physiologically. They are so refreshing and cleansing. While not all of us can laugh in the face of adversity, it is wonderful when we can. One of the best examples that SNL provided us was the Will Ferrell skit where he came to work dressed a little too patriotically. I believe you can find that clip on one of the Best of Will Ferrell DVDs.

3. No Matter how Annoying Someone Is, I Will Still Miss Them When They Stop Coming Around
Don’t lie, if you watched SNL in the 90’s you were a little sad when Mike Myer’s characters Dieter (Sprockets), Linda Richmond (Coffee Talk), and Wayne (Wayne’s World) stopped appearing on the show. This can be said for almost all of the timeless, yet annoying characters that appeared on the show. I never realized how true this statement was until one of my long-time, yet amazingly annoying coworkers left the company. It took me a while to get over the fact that I missed having this guy ask me for White-Out on a daily basis.

4. Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious
I always thought of myself as more of a Twizzlers and Dr. Pepper guy, but I did give Mr. Pibb and Red Vines a whirl the last time I went to the movies. And you know what? They are crazy delicious.

5. It Is not Always Possible to Make a Good Idea Work on a Large Level
Sure some Saturday Night Live skits have found success on the big screen, but many have found their way to the bottom of the DVD bargain barrel. It just goes to show that it is always important to strike when the iron is hot and be prepared to deal with failure if a “can’t miss” idea doesn’t turn out as well as expected.

6. Things That I Remember are Often Better or Worse Than They Actually Were
When I would watch SNL with my father, there was always a debate over whether the casts from the 90’s were better than the casts from the 70’s and 80’s. This led me to realize that we, as a society, are less likely to remember the bad things that happened in the past when there are good things that happened alongside them. It’s hard to remember that a past relationship often has its positives and negatives when we tend to focus on the last memory, which is usually bad. It is equally as hard to remember that our sports heroes often had bad games before they made the memorable plays that immortalized them.

7. The Things My Parents Enjoyed May Not Work for me, but I Can Still Respect Them
I used to try to watch the old 70’s episodes of SNL. More often than not, I would find myself wondering why I did not find them funny. It took me a while to realize that most humor of the time is based on events that were current. I don’t remember the gas shortage of the late 70’s, so how would I find it humorous? And just because I can’t laugh about the things that happened back then, I can still respect that my parents could.

8. Anyone Can Be Replaced
Sometimes people leave a situation on their own terms, sometimes they don’t. Either way - businesses, lives, and TV shows go on. Sure, there is going to be a period of reminiscing that will follow the change, but that’s just human nature. I can remember hating that the SNL cast of 1994 was replaced in 1995. That was until they came up with new and (now) timeless characters.

9. It Is Possible to Change Without Having to Do Anything Radical
If the turnover of the SNL’s casts every 5-10 years has proven anything, it’s that the same formula can be duplicated successfully with only minor changes. Sure, the topics have to be updated and writers come and go, but the heart remains. It’s really no different than when your father goes off the deep end, divorces your mother, buys a Corvette, and dates a girl in high school. He’s still the same guy.

10. Some Things in Life are Begging to Be Made Fun of and Some Aren't
There is often a fine line between funny and insulting. Some topics just don’t need to be touched and others deserve to be beaten into the ground by the sounds of laughter. In retrospect, the Monica Lewinsky scandal that happened during the Clinton presidency could have been a disaster. Think of all the sensitive information that crossed Clinton’s desk. The same desk he was busy pink-stinking his cigars on. It could have been much worse if not for the humor that came from it. I still laugh my ass thinking about it.

Of course there are other lessons to be learned and all of these lessons could have come from other sources, but I grew up in front of the TV and I often found myself watching SNL on Saturday nights. Yes, I was a nerd.

On any given Monday, I could spend minutes a day deleting all of the unread emails that she has forwarded me. I don't mean any disrespect to my grandmother, but I pretty much got the 'Obama = terrorist' message in your first email. You know I am a well informed, educated man. I graduated from an accredited university (UNT '07); you were there.  I'm not amongst the undereducated masses that not only thought finishing high school was unnecessary, but also make up the majority of stereotypical Texans.  I just don't fall into that group of people that is swayed by propaganda whether it is political, racist, or fear based.

I get it. Barack Obama is a Muslim name. And to a God-fearing Christian, anything Muslim is going to come off as Satanic and inspire all sorts of fear based responses. This is easy to do when your main source for Muslim related information comes from a small-town church pastor and the 700 Club. I'd be willing to bet that if I were to follow  the email trail on one of the emails that begins: FWD(:FWD:FWD:FWD:FWD:..............FWD:Barack Obama is Muzlim for 'Kill Americans'), I'd probably find at least 20 addresses with @....church.org in them. I'd say that it amazes me that the people that are entrusted to deliver the 'words' of God and Jesus are usually the ones that are first to instruct people to reject, hate, or rally against other religions, but I know better.

Maybe I'm too naive. Maybe I should feel an overwhelming need to exercise my right to speak freely and arm myself properly. Maybe I should be skeptical of everyone with a foreign accent. 'Are you sure this is chicken in my kung pao chicken? I'm not sure. My red-blooded American pastor said to be cautious. And I know he is NEVER wrong.'

Honestly, I would rather live in a world that I die being wrong than live a fearful life being right. Because the truth is, hatred is a multi-headed monster. All the bullets and missiles in the world will only suppress it. Hatred is the herpes of humanity and wars are the Valtrex. Even with regular treatment, it is still possible to spread hatred.

It is possible to spread it via forwarded emails. And honestly, I'm just not interested in being a carrier. I'm not interested in perpetuating the slanted, narrow views that these emails express. I'm still going to dislike various aspects of the cultures of other races, but I'm more likely to dislike the same things within my own.

Grandma, through no effort of yours, I'll most likely excuse myself from participating in the election in November. In doing so, I'm not staging any form of protest. I just don't like feeling like I am throwing my vote into an abyss. I still live in the same state that almost unanimously voted for G. W. both in 2000 and 2004. I don't care how dynamic Mr. Obama might be, he's not winning Texas in 2008.

Obama may very well end up winning the election and I'm sure that scares a lot of people. And they should be. Change is scary, but it is also necessary. It wasn't so long ago that people were afraid of automobiles and televisions, but I think we can all agree that those have worked out pretty well for all of us. I look forward to the day when we stop caring about someone being the first woman to... or the first black person to....

Hopefully then, and only then will I stop burning hundreds of calories a day deleting those unread emails.

To answer that question, Marvel (comics) is taking a new direction with their movies. They will not be auctioning off licensing to the highest bidder as was done with Spider-Man, The Fantastic Four, and Hulk. In doing so, we were subjected Spider-Man with organic webbing, The FF looking like a 2 hour commercial for toys, and the Hulk trying to be cerebral and romantic – Ang Lee style. Also with different studios owning the movies, the fans were never going to see crossover cameos like Tony Stark made in the Incredible Hulk.

The exchange between Gen. Ross and Tony Stark alone is worth the price of the tickets. It is tongue-in-cheek and foreshadowing banter at its finest. Marvel being in charge of how the movies are made is going to mean more fan friendly movies and hopefully more cameos and crossovers.

This got me to thinking and made me think of all of the different crossovers that I, as a self-professed comic geek, would like to see. For the sake of keeping remaining within the realm of “I’d like to see it” and not in the realm of “things that are going to happen”, I’ll avoid the obvious Captain America/Iron Man/Avengers crossovers. For those that don’t know, the Captain America and Iron Man 2 movies are already set for 2010. There’s also a Thor (I say thee hell yeah!) and Avengers movie on the horizon. I’ll stick with what I would like to see and not cross into things that are in the works.

Batman and Superman
For those that read the current comic series, or have read DC comics for a while, then you know how awesome this would be. Just their differences in approach and philosophies could fill 2+ hours of screen time. Also, it would give way for all sorts of cameos from the rest of the DC Universe. Personally, I’d like to see a love triangle form with Wonder Woman, if only for the hours of entertainment that I would get from reading the pissed off fan blogs.

Spider-Man and Daredevil
I can see it now….Spider-Man and The Human Torch (Johnny Storm) are out racing across Manhattan (like all superheroes do on a boring Tuesday night). Spidey aborts when his “spider sense” tingles due to a crime being committed in Hell’s Kitchen. Enter Daredevil….and scene. The Daredevil movie really focused on the fact that DD spends his nights patrolling the streets of Hell’s Kitchen and causing all sorts of havoc within the organized crime world. That is his genre. What is often forgotten is that is also where Spider-Man started. The most recent issues of Amazing Spider-Man have really returned to that. The Spidey vs. Kingpin fight in ASM #542 is one for the ages and could easily have been in Daredevil. So a movie crossover of these two would be nothing short of perfect. This would also be a great way to introduce Luke Cage (Power Man) and Danny Rand (Iron Fist) to the movie-going audience.

The Human Torch (Johnny Storm) and Iceman
I know this has a bit of a Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends feel, but think about it. A fire and ice combo. Think of all of the special effects that could go into something like that. Sure it would all have to be CGI, but it would still make for a cool movie going experience. Maybe they could go as far as to make it something of a Mr. & Mrs. Smith type movie of back and forth exchanges. I really think I might be onto something here. There would be all sorts of potential for X-Men and Fantastic Four cameos. Maybe we can get some of Michael Chiklis’ witty Thing/Ben Grimm dialogue via a cell phone or something.

Storm and Catwoman
I know that this one is just way out there, but just think about all of the money a Hollywood studio could save by casting Halle Berry for both roles. You know what? I couldn’t even begin to try to shine up this turd of an idea. This movie would suck so hard that it would probably cause any theater showing it to cave in on itself. On the brightside, the producers could always get the costume designers from Batman & Robin (the turd starring George Clooney) to make some super tight, latex, nippled-out monstrosities to show off Halle’s hot body.

Hulk and Thing
All throughout the history of Marvel Comics, the Hulk and the Thing have mixed it up. Their meetings have always been amongst my favorites. All they do is fight. They are like Tom & Jerry, only if Jerry were the same size as Tom and had similar strength. A few years back a great 4 (or 5) issue mini-series came out. Basically, the Thing and the Hulk fought each other across a barren stretch of the West. At times they would stop at local diners to eat together before getting back to fighting. The movie could center on Bruce Banner calling upon Reed Richards to see if he can assist him in finding a way to rid himself of the Hulk. Of course, something would trigger Bruce into changing to the Hulk. This would mean that the Thing would have to subdue the Hulk until he calmed down.

Of course I don’t see any of these movies ever happening, but a boy can dream…right? I have to have something to get me through until the Dark Knight opens in a little over 2 weeks. After that, it’s going to be a long dry spell until the next good comic book movies premiere. You can thank last year’s writers strike for that. If Tom Hanks and George Clooney don’t pull it together and the actors strike, then it could be even longer. If you’re looking for a silver lining….Marvel and DC only make you wait a month for new issues and they spread them out so that you can read all sorts of comics every week. Oh and Iron Man will be on DVD before you know it.

The same goes for print media. I can’t remember the last time I bought a newspaper for anything other than the Sunday sale ads. I just read it online. Now when I was a kid….I couldn’t wait to read the newspaper comics, or funnies (as my grandmother calls them). And of course, you can read these online now, too. In my search for archived versions of Marmaduke and Family Circus, I have stumbled upon a variety of webcomics. Most of them are published 2-3 times a week. Some of them are good. Some of them are total crap. All of them give me the same “Sunday morning” feeling. By that I mean, some are classics, like Garfield and Peanuts; while some make no sense, like Apartment 3G.

I have decided to spread the gospel of some of my favorite webcomics for all of you Feasties out there. This will be the first of a series of postings with my recommendations for webcomics. Let’s just call it THE BEST OF WHAT I HAVE SEEN….SO FAR.

The bronze medal goes to MULTIPLEX  by Gordon McAlpin. This webcomic follows the exploits of the employees of a cineplex and throws in the author’s views towards movies that (at the time of original release) are in the theaters. I like this webcomic for a variety of reasons. The biggest one is because I used to work at a movie theater when I was in high school, so I can relate with most of the characters. Also, the characters have the distinct division between the ones that are only working there until they get a better job, graduate from school, or are there during summer vacation and the characters that will still be working there 10 years down the road. McAlpin even has the foresight to write characters out of the comic permanently or for appropriate amounts of time. The supporting and recurring cast add to the enjoyment of this soap opera-ish webcomic. BONUS: There is some deep-seeded sexual tension that lingers throughout the entire run.

The red ribbon (for 2nd place) goes to WONDERMARK  by David Malki. Honestly, this webcomic deserves to be my 1a selection. It is really well written and the concept is nothing short of genius. Each comic generally stands on its own. There are recurrences of some characters, but it is not necessary to have prior knowledge of any backstories in order to enjoy each comic. I can only imagine that David Malki was the illegitimate son of Gary Larson (The Far Side) and a Victorian era printing press. Just read the comics, you’ll see what I mean. There is a certain beauty in obscure humor with a vein of irreverence. I strongly recommend setting up a new folder in your bookmarks for you to bookmark your favorites. There will be a lot of them.

Finally, (regal trumpets sounding) the best of the best of what I have seen so far. I’m talking about a little webcomic known as QUESTIONABLE CONTENT, by Jeph Jacques. As far as webcomic soap operas go, this is the best. All of the characters are twenty something and incredibly relatable. Martyn and Faye are the primary focus, but the comic delves into the lives of multiple characters. My personal favorite is Hannalore. She is hilarious. Jacques isn't coy about his musical tastes either.

The entire run of QC makes sure to impose the author's musical tastes in the same fashion that a chainsaw lets a tree know it likes to chop it down. Unlike MULTIPLEX, QC laughs at it's obvious sexual tension between the characters. I will admit, I was somewhat surprised with who Dora ended up getting with. I wont lie, I was literally like, "Whaaaaat?!?!" I highly recommend starting at the beginning and working your way through all 1,100+ issues/episodes (I don't know what you're supposed to call them). Considering that Jacques puts out 5 issues a week, it's hard not to get hooked.

Obviously, I have not “read” every webcomic out there, but I have read enough to be able to determine which ones I like compared to which ones I do not. I strongly encourage any of the Feasties to give me any recommendations for ones that are worthy of inclusion in a future webcomics posting. 

Which leads me to my point: I have spent the last couple of years dating and finding myself in short-term relationships. I have met a lot of women through the more traditional means (i.e. through friends, family,work) as well as the “new traditional” means (match.com and other various internet sites). I cannot say that any method has been better than another one. Some dates have been good. Some were not so good. And the select few led to something more. The “something more” phase is pretty much the NO MAN’S LAND of NO MAN’S LANDs when you are starting to get serious with someone. In the days of Myspace, Facebook, and Twitter pretty much all of your activity (or inactivity) is open to scrutiny.

This means that if you are starting to date someone regularly via match.com, there is always the catch-22 of being“caught” looking at other profiles or messaging others because it lets others know when you last logged-in. On the same note, the person you are dating would have had to been on there to know that you had been. It has all sorts of ramifications that can be taken a variety of ways, unless you are proactive about it.

I have adopted the 30/30/30 method. Basically it means if you have either been seeing someone for 30 days, exchanged 30+ realistically romantic emails, or spend at least 30 minutes a day on the phone then it is time to stop putting out the feelers. Whether you’re willing to admit it, either you (or your fancy) probably think of the two of you as a couple once you have reached this point. There is absolutely nothing wrong with setting some initial boundaries that will act as a verbal contract between two people. It’s a great way for both people to grow the relationship at its own pace and provides a checkpoint to evaluate how things are progressing. Also, if after that watermark is reached, it provides a clean breaking point if the bond doesn’t look to have any real future.

Regardless of how two people are brought together, there is still an inherent need to feel wanted, appreciated, and respected. As we all know, open communication is the basis of most healthy relationships. If we learn to break out of our “don’t say too much, too soon” mold, we can avoid finding ourselves in the dating NO MAN’S LAND. Dating is a wonderful institution and the one proven method of finding that one special significant other that will truly compliment our wants and needs. The landscape of dating continues to change and happiness lies in our ability to change our approach and conduct within it.

It has become commonplace to turn on the television, hear about the attacks and death toll, and not even be phased. Why? Because we, as a society, have become complacent. We walk through our behemoth open-air malls buying useless crap, sipping coffee in the middle of the summer, and drive our air polluting vehicles without stopping to think about all of the men and women that are overseas protecting our right to do so.

For those that know me, I’m not the most patriotic American. In fact, I’m probably near the other end of that scale. I’m a numbers guy and sticking to that means that I don’t always take the most popular (or patriotic) side of arguments. Regardless of my personal philosophy of patriotism, war, and just about everything else; I’m still willing to stand up and give credit where credit is due.

I was recently contacted by Chris from Heroes 4 Heroes. H4H is a Dallas based non-profit organization that distributes care packages to the men and women in the U.S. Armed Forces. The care packages are primarily filled with comic books, but they also include CDs, DVDs, Books, and Magazines. Spend a little time checking out the website. They, by far, have the coolest fundraiser I have ever seen. I may be a little bit biased due to my love of comic books and comic art. The funny thing about Chris’ email, he wasn’t asking me to do anything for him. He wasn’t asking for me to rally the troops and put a fundraiser together, or break out my checkbook. His only request was that I  mention H4H so that people knew that they could go to the website and send a friend or family member a care package.

It is that kind of altruism that has generally been missing from our daily lives. It is for that very reason that I am writing this in hopes of rallying the troops. I am calling on all of you to take a moment to click the link to their DONATIONS page. There are multiple options and ways that you can contribute.

The simplest, least time consuming, and versatile is the paypal option. Money is the universal lube for every machine. It is also the best way to tell the guys at H4H that you trust them to make the best decisions for how to appropriate their resources. It’s also tax deductible. Now if you’re like me, cash is in short supply. So you have other opportunities to give. Go through your CDs, DVDs, Comics, and other literature. If you’ve already loaded all of your CDs into iTunes, then you don’t need the hard copy.

With the holiday weekend, this gives you a great opportunity to do some spring cleaning, create a tax deduction, and be a patriot. It’s just *that* easy. Remember: complacency is a sin and freedom isn't free. Do your part. Support a cause, any cause. And have a safe Memorial Day weekend.

Don’t get me wrong. I plan on blowing my money. I know I should do something responsible with it, but screw that. George Bush wants us to spend it, and who am I to tell the president “no”? I’m sure that there were plenty of people that didn’t agree with the way Julius Caesar did things, but I would venture to say that few people ever told him “no”. And look what happened with that. We ended up with a really tasty salad dressing. So until I’m covering a bed of romaine lettuce with Bush dressing, I’m going to rip through my economic stimulation like a 7 yr old opening Christmas packages.

I could be sensible and take care of the things that I need, like a new windshield for my car or groceries. I *could*, but what fun would that be? If I didn’t want to enjoy “free money”, then I would have worked harder, made more money, and disqualified myself from being eligible for stimulus. I’m expecting $600, so how will I go about blowing it?

The first thing I’ll be doing is going to get my hair done. Wow, when did I start sounding like such a girl? This means that I’m going to go see my favorite stylist, April Z (ask me for her number). So there’s a well spent $50. If you’re like me, the only thing that makes me feel better than a fresh haircut is a new outfit. It’s going to be 100°F before I know it, so I’m going to swing by Urban Outfitters and grab some shorts, a polo, and some flip-flops. That’s going to run about $100. Now that I look good and feel good, it’s time to go have some fun.

I have been thinking about getting more tattoos since I got my last one almost 6 years ago. I have made the mistake of drinking too much, going to a tattoo shop, and picked out a picture off of the wall. Knowing that I want more, I have spent some time getting to know a couple of different tattoo artists. For my next ink, I’ll definitely be going to see my friend Jack Hatchet at ACE IN THE HOLE STUDIOS. Considering that fine art isn’t cheap, I expect to spend about $300 for some custom artwork. I may even have to dip into my personal stash and get a bigger piece done. Spend some time under Jack’s needle and you’ll know the difference between just getting a tattoo and having a piece of art on your body.

With the rest of George’s money, I’m going to catch up on the video games, DVDs, and CDs that I have been meaning to buy. I’m definitely going to get GRAND THEFT AUTO IV($60), just so that I will stop hearing about it from all of my friends that play it 5 hours a day. While I’m at Best Buy, I’m going to be sure to pick up the BACK TO THE FUTURE trilogy ($35). I have attempted to buy the DVD set no less than 5 times in my life, so this time I’m getting it. OH and the comedy duo, Flight of the Conchords put out a new CD a couple of weeks ago. So I’ve got to get that ($15).

By my calculations, I should have less than $40 and that’s almost enough for a tank of gas. Maybe I’ll get lucky and find gasoline for under $3.50/gal, so that I’m happy about spending the money. I’d hate to have to come out of my own pocket on this day. That would be a total buzzkill.

I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but “Thank you George W. Bush”. You have left me feeling completely economically stimulated.

I personally choose to laugh at as much of life as possible. I have found that it really helps me keep my sanity. Yet, at the same time, I don’t want to laugh at other people’s expense or in the wake of their pain. Now it’s one thing to laugh at kids that wipe out while riding their bikes and skateboards. It’s an entirely different thing when you outrage an entire generation. 

I’m going to go out on a limb here, and provide a list of events that are safe to laugh about or to use in dysphemisms.
 
Topics that are totally safe:

The Smallpox Plague
The Crusades
The Spanish Inquisition
Anything involving Greek or Roman Empires
The Revolutionary WarThe War of 1812
The Mexican-American War
The Civil War (Union)World War I
The Great Chicago Fire
The 1906 San Francisco Earthquake
Any Presidential assassinations or attempts
All Presidential scandals
All stock market crashesThe first Iraq War
Any recessions prior to 2000

Topics that are still touchy:

The Civil War (Confederate)
World War IIThe Great DepressionThe Korean War
Any Hurricanes Prior to 1990
Vietnam
Anything associated with the Civil Rights Movement
Hostage situations or airplane hijackings
Any Space Shuttle explosions
The Branch Davidians
The World Trade Center bombing in 1993  

Topics You Should Completely Avoid:

Anything remotely involving slavery
The Holocaust and any other acts of genocide
September 11, 2001
The Oklahoma City Bombing
The 2000’s recession
Any school shootings
The current Iraq War

Obviously I haven’t included everything, but this is a pretty good baseline to begin with. As with anything, it’s important to know your audience. I probably wouldn’t go to a Jewish senior center and joke about Hitler or give Anne Frank’s The Diary of a Young Girl a crappy book review. At the same time, with the right crowd it’s possible to laugh at any situation. Not that any doctor will ever admit it, laughter is still the best medicine. If we aren’t able to laugh our way through understanding our pain, then we have no other option than to wallow in it. I for one will never wallow like a swine, but I’ll point and laugh at one all day long.

How does someone, presumably, only 10 years younger than me not know what cassette tapes are? At first I wanted to cry, but then I decided to just write about it. In doing so, I came up with a list of things that my daughter (and yet to be conceived other children) will probably never know about.

Records / 8 tracks/ Cassettes

I have at various times had fairly decent record and cassette tape collections. The highlight of my record collection was a pristine copy of “The Beatles” (commonly known as “The White Album”). I was proud of my Smiths/Morrissey record collection that I amassed prior to Ebay’s inception. That was a hell of a feat that could probably be accomplished within minutes via Ebay today.

I’ll confess. I barely remember 8 tracks. My uncle had a Toyota Cressida that had an 8 track player back around 1986, but didn’t own any actual 8 track tapes. I did buy a box of 8 tracks at 1st Monday a few years back and then I spent the rest of the day trying to find an 8 track player to no avail. I ended up selling the 8 tracks on Ebay. Considering that the entire box of 20 or so 8 tracks cost me $5 and I made over $300 after fees and shipping, I’d say that I was probably better off having not found anything to play them on.

My tape collection had many highlights, for their time. I had all of the late 80’s/early 90’s rap and R&B tapes. Including, but not limited to: Third Bass, Big Daddy Kane, Bobby Brown (which I traded INXS’ “Kick” for), and Bell Biv Devoe (Ironically, I traded a Poison tape for a tape with the song “Poison” on it.) My favorite of all of my tapes was the Beastie Boys’ “Licensed to Ill” that Heath Herman* (name changed) and I ended up splitting the cost of. The idea was that we would share the tape and alternate weeks. Needless to say, I dubbed him a copy and he got to live with that. We were never really friends after that. I blame it on him. He wanted us to buy Salt N Pepa’s “Hot, Cool, & Vicious”.

8mm / BetaMax / Laser Disks

I never owned any of these. Most of them were made obsolete before they ever became affordable for my mom to buy. Actually, laser disks had a time when they were incredibly affordable. It was after Sony stopped making laser disk players. Sound Warehouse (the music chain in most malls throughout the 80’s and 90’s) had tons of the disks that they couldn’t give away. The most prized laser disks were the various “movies” put out by Playboy. My favorite was “Wet n Wild 4”. I tried to buy it 3 different times. The sales clerks would never go for it. Not that it mattered, I didn’t own a laser disk player to watch it.

***Special Note*** VHS isn’t that far off. Pretty soon, VHS tapes will be relegated solely to the 25 cent bins at thrift stores and swap meets. They will be right next to the HD-DVD’s that nobody can play on their BluRay players.

Fruit Flavored Candy that Doesn’t have Blue-Raspberry

It used to be that there were 3 fruit candy flavors: cherry, grape, and banana. That was it. Occasionally, the candy manufacturers gave us mixed fruit, but we all knew it was just cherry and grape mixed together. We didn’t have blue-raspberry. On that note, what is blue-raspberry? Blue-raspberries don’t grow naturally in the wild. It’s not a combination of blue berry and raspberry or a milder blackberry. This is the worst candy flavor ever. It sucks and it’s only good for turning your tongue and teeth a lovely shade of blue. At least when cherry turned your tongue red, it looked fairly normal.

Atari / Nintendo

When I was in the 4th grade (1987-1988), Atari was on it’s way out and Nintendo was just starting to declare it’s video game dominance. I’m not sure if anyone remembers, but Atari was making a big push with their $50 crapbox. I begged my mother for one, because I didn’t think we could afford the $100 Nintendo Entertainment System (NES). I even wrote Santa a letter explaining why I wanted an Atari, even though Steven Hipple’s* (name not changed) NES was much, much better. In a twist of sweet irony, I ended up getting a NES from Santa. This ultimately led to what will now, and forever, be known as the “Super Mario Brothers 2 Betrayal”. It was the 5th grade equivalent of the U.S. Civil War and its effects still linger. It was one of the contributing factors of why I didn’t go to my 10 year high school reunion.

$2 Bills

After a funny incident at Starbuck’s over me trying to pass a “fake” $2 bill, I have realized that people under 25 yrs old don’t know what they are. Ok, let me rephrase that: If you are under 25 and have never worked as a “dancer”, you *probably* don’t know what a $2 bill is. The same goes for the half dollar coins. That is unless your grandmother has given you one from the stockpile that grandmothers keep in their purse. I don’t give the penny much longer either. Slowly, lesser used monetary denominations are being phased out and will soon be relegated to the realm of collectors and dumbasses that place too much value on currency that is becoming more and more worthless every day.

This reminds me of when I was bartending a few years back. I was chatting with my early afternoon crowd between the Jeopardy and the Double Jeopardy rounds (This was back when Jeopardy came on at 3pm on WFAA). We were discussing the newest state quarter. I think it was Michigan, but don’t quote me on that. A “gentleman” who had already had a few shots yells out, “HEY! Can you imagine how much a collection of all 50 state quarters is going to be worth?” In which I promptly, and pompously, responded “YEAH! $12.50!”

A Funny Robin Williams and Eddie Murphy

Maybe I’m just getting old and my memory is starting to fade, but I’m pretty sure that both Robin Williams and Eddie Murphy used to be funny. I can remember watching stand-up specials of Williams and Murphy from the early 80’s. Sure, I spent most of the time with my index fingers inserted into my ears, at my parent’s request. Lucky for me, I still have enough of my memories that I am able to remember that these two guys were, at one time, funny

My poor daughter only knows both of them as the guys that were in such craptastic movies as RV and NORBIT. Luckily, she is young enough to still find that crap funny.

Maybe one day after she turns 21, we’ll break out my VHS dubs of Eddie Murphy’s RAW and Robin Williams’ A NIGHT AT THE MET. Both are legendary.

The most notable mental alteration is the metamorphosis in my preferences of the opposite sex. I can remember when I was a senior in high school (RHS  ‘96….whoo whoo Go Raiders!) and in a moment of pure enlightenment, I realized that every girlfriend I had ever had was blonde-haired and blue eyed. Many would write this off as a classic case of the Oedipus complex. Sure, I hated my father, who didn’t. And yes, I loved my mother, but not in *that* way. I think that it stems more from lack of exposure to other sects of our culture. I ended up forcing myself to date brunettes, Asians, redheads, and all sorts of other women. It worked.

This led to my next major change in preference. Redheads. Nature’s ugly ducklings. In my entire K-12 school experience, I cannot remember more than maybe 2 redhead girls that I’d ever have called pretty (Just in case they are reading this: I’m talking about you MM and JH….call me). I personally feel that the fact that most redheads have to learn to love their uniqueness causes them to develop personality traits that are much deeper than your average blondes. I think that it also causes the gestation of the “crazy” gene.

The “crazy” gene not only affects the carrier, but it also affects the person that they date. Seriously, the only time I have ever found myself standing in the rain, in my bathrobe, banging on my girlfriend’s window, at 3am was when I was dating a redhead. Yet, I still find myself strangely attracted to them. Like a moth to the flame of an acetylene torch. I think Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst said it best, “everyone that burns has to learn from the pain”. He also said, “I pack a chainsaw, I’ll skin your ass raw”, so what does he know? I’m not sure if my redhead phase is a phase I’ll ever outgrow.

Lately, I have noticed that I have started to develop a “thing” for girls with tattoos. And by “tattoos”, I’m not talking about the girls that have the (soon to be mandatory) lower back tattoo  or the tiny flower on or around their hip. I’m talking about the girls (women) with full sleeves  and chest pieces. I’m talking about a minimum of 20% ink coverage. I’m not sure what has brought about this attraction. Maybe I’m envious. Maybe I just like art. Maybe I can appreciate the pain that was endured. Whatever it is, it’s hot.

I finally understand the moniker “suicide girls”. It’s not a bunch of girls that want to kill themselves (as my grandmother so eloquently put it during dinner this past Thanksgiving). “Suicide girls” are the girls that I’d kill myself to date. That is if I was ballsy enough to approach any of them and ask for their number.

Unfortunately for me, I’m too logical. I am the Bobby Fischer of the dating scene. I’m always thinking 8-10 steps ahead. In this case, Instead of living in the moment and enjoying tattoos in their freshly inked glory, I tend to see what a girl will look like when that fresh ink is all faded and saggy. I blame that on myself. I have a bad tattoo that has been faded since about a week after I got it (12 years ago) to remind me that tattoos, like beauty, do fade. To that I say, “such is life”. Maybe I’ll just ride this mental phase out and get my hopes up for the next “thing” that does it for me.

If you're interested in being a contributor, let me know. Here's what you get:

- The joy of being a part of a new website- Your own email address

- A forum for expression that I'm going to market like crazy

- That special feeling you get when you help a friend

- Free stuff. I don't know what yet, but I'll be dishing out any and everything I can to contributors.

If you have no interest in being a part of this, but maybe know someone that does.....pass this along. If anything, swing by the blog  and add it to your RSS reader. I'll be updating the blog as often as possible and it will give you the chance to see when the page is updated with fresh content.  

In the meantime, if you need a healthy dose of Nixism (def. "Anything of, or concerning, Nix Johnson") then hit up culturefeast.com.  I am a regular blogger on there.