How could we average schmoes live without the benefit of their wisdom and expertise on everything from global warming and environmental issues to the US policy on the war in Iraq?

And why is it the media is all too willing to keep giving these self-anointed experts air-time?

I pondered these questions on April 1st as I watched Charlie Rose, on PBS, interview the founder of CNN and founder and chairman of the UN Foundation, Ted Turner.

During the interview, Rose pelted Turner with softball questions such as, “Why are you the way you are?”  And he was able to coax Turner into singing his acappella renditions of My Old Kentucky Home and Somewhere over the Rainbow. What a tough interview.

However, Ted didn’t need much coaxing to air his astonishing theories about global warming. But don’t despair, people. Clear your gloom-addled minds. Ted’s a celebrity and he has a solution for our problems.

During the interview, Turner said, “Only the people that don’t understand it [global warming] think it’s going to—not doing it [anything about global warming] will be catastrophic. We’ll have eight degrees – we’ll be eight degrees hotter in 10 – not 10, but in 30 or 40 years. And basically none of the crops will grow. Most of the people will have died, and the rest of us will be cannibals.

“Civilization will have broken down. The few people left will be living in a failed state like Somalia or Sudan, and living conditions will be intolerable. The droughts will be so bad, there will be no more corn growing. It will – not doing it is suicide. Just like dropping bombs on each other, nuclear weapons, is suicide.”

So Ted, whatever can we possibly do to save ourselves from resorting to cannibalism? What can we do to save the Earth? Ted’s answer: population control.

“We’re too many people. That’s why we have global warming. We have global warming because too many people are using too much stuff. If there were less people, they’d be using less stuff.”

I guess it’s just that simple.

Anyone with an ounce of intelligence would be able to spot the dubiousness of Ted’s cannibalism theory. And even a middle schooler would know that his solution to global warming is simplistic. But he spouted all of this as if he were stating a fact. Rose didn’t even challenge him for making such outlandish assertions.

It’s the hypocrisy that makes me mad. Turner is saying everyone should have just one or two kids and he himself has more than that. Imaging how much energy his mansions consume. I know I don’t have a private jet whisking me all around the world, but I’m sure Ted does. How many pounds of carbon does that jet emit? And he is now in the restaurant business. If you’re ever in New York City on 51st street you can stop by his “Ted’s Montana Steakhouse”. Just don’t think about the waste the restaurant is generating and the methane gas the cows have spewed into the air before they were butchered.

Isn’t it great that all these celebrities can point to us average people and tell us that WE have to do something?

I don’t know who to believe on all of this global warming thing. Yeah, I think it’s a good idea for everyone to recycle as much as they can because we only have a limited amount of room in landfills. And I think it would be great if we all could afford to drive, and did drive, hybrid cars because oil is a finite resource and the place from where we get it now is unstable and always will be.

But I know I don’t need, and I resent, any celebrity telling me what I should do.  

Similar to the People magazine cover, Rolling Stone too used a black and white photo of the pop star in crisis. Here her sad face and pouting lips beautiful but cheerless; her face is shockingly honest—void of the insanity that we have become accustomed to in recent months.  She looks, well, tragic. The photo conveys what Rolling Stone declares in their sub title:  Britney Spears: Inside an American Tragedy.  An assertion that is wholly different from anything that would be read in Star or perezhilton.com.

So I read the article. And yes, I get my daily dose of Britney juice. But then I start thinking: American tragedy? Really? Um, not so much. Is the story sad: yes. Does the woman have serious mental issues? Yes. Is it a shame that she’s been taken advantage of by those she trusted most? Of course. But that does not a tragedy make.

To the article’s credit, it does go into Britney’s history as a sex symbol and how that has contributed to a problematic construction of self by the singer. However, none of that stuff happened in a fish bowl. That is to say, very few folks were alluding to how tragic her story was when she was on the cover of the same magazine with pink hot shorts, pretending to ride a children’s bike in 1999.  Or when she was hugging a Teletubby two years later or wearing nothing but a men’s white dress shirt two years after that. Long story short: none of us, not even me, were saying how tragic her situation was until last week when her descent into the realm of the insane could no longer be denied. 

Perhaps the tragedy here is not her as an individual or even the small circle of people around her. If anything is tragic it’s that her radius of influence is so large that we all are included, yet we also sit on the side lines, waiting for the next episode of Britney: the lunacy chronicles to begin. The focus should be on us, the public, who say how sad it is that this young, over sexualized white woman runs around town flashing her hoohoo yet never calling into question the person who took the photo. Now that's tragic.

It really doesn’t matter what content filled site you visit (I usually start with MSN.com because it kinda looks like I could be working when I’m looking at it), but it doesn’t really matter which one you go to. They ALL know that they are pushing a product that we have become junkies for. My favorite site that does this is CNN.com. Yes, the website for CNN (The Cable News Network). They are fairly good about providing you with breaking news and tons of political coverage (Read Michael’s blog post if you didn’t get a chance - The Importance of Voting) yet they sprinkle in the celebrity angeldust by the handful. Maybe I’m in the minority, but I just don’t consider anything involving Britney Spears, Brangelina, or Paris Hilton newsworthy.

Let’s take a moment to review all of them.            

First off…..Britney Spears. Here’s her life in a blurb: She was born, went on Star Search, landed a role on the Mickey Mouse Club, started putting out saccharin soaked pop music, dated Justin Timberlake (and there was absolutely NO SEX), married the guy from Seinfeld for about 45 minutes, married Vanilla Ice Jr., got fat and had kids (or vice versa), totally reverted back her trailer park* heritage, got divorced, and has pretty much gone off of the deep end’s deep end.       

NEXT! Mrs. Brangelina Jolie-Pitt. She is the daughter of Jon Voight and he got his big break in a Pringles commercial. They both made some movies. She married a guy that was a senior when her dad was a freshman. He ragged out Gwyneth Paltrow and then married Ms. All-America Jennifer Aniston. The 2 of them started mixing it up on the set of MR. & MRS. SMITH (check the toilet for my copy of the DVD). They moved in together and started collecting kids like they were original MIB (mint-in-box for all you non-nerds) G.I. JOEs.            

Paris Hilton. Paris. Whitney. Hilton. Born into wealth and “starred” in a sextape. That’s all I’ve got. At least she ended up in her sextape because of Mr. Pam Anderson (at least for the next 5 minutes) leaking the footage and didn’t go the Kim Kardashian route.            

Now that I have revisited all of these celebrity entities…..I can start to see why we have such a fascination with them. How else can we vicariously live such F*&%ed up lives? And who hasn’t at one point in their lives uttered the following statement: “I know my life is screwed up, but at least it’s not as bad as _______ (fill in the blank, you can pick any of the afore mentioned celebs or pick your own)”?             

Oh and did I mention that I am a member of all of those celebrities fan clubs?

*I apologize if I have offended anybody who may have been in an actual train wreck or live in a trailer home.   

- Nicholas Johnson
former professional daredevil