By Daniel Dessinger
May 9, 2008
I work at a small office. A very small, very boring office where we do menial work that would be done far more efficiently by a computer or a zombie. Honestly, a computer could do my job far more efficiently and I live in fear for the day that my employer realizes this and puts a computer in my place. The computer also wouldn’t crunch loudly on sunflower seeds, text, twitter, or take frequent restroom breaks because she’s fidgety and can’t sit still for five seconds. The computer wouldn’t cost twenty grand a year and also would never, ever complain about it being too cold. Ever.
A variety of people are employed at my place of business, but most of them tend to be anti-social eccentrics who keep to themselves. They laugh at inappropriate times and have no clue what to say to you in the elevator. They live alone and don’t really talk to people and tend to be in their late 40’s. Being in my mid-twenties and fairly social, I tend to stand out. But I really like this job because I can come in hung over with green hair and a paint covered t-shirt, sweats and fuzzy slippers and no one even looks at me funny (yes, this was an actual outfit.) I will admit that I’m a slacker, and the ability to be one and still work is the most appealing part of this job. God forbid I work somewhere I actually have to dress up- or wear shoes.
My boss is very nice – probably too nice for her own good. She tends to be very non-confrontational about things, and would rather not offend anyone than say what she really thinks. This works out for me, because I’m passive aggressive. When she instituted the no-cell phone rule, it was because I had spent almost an entire day running out of the office with my phone so I could talk to various people about my evening plans. I’m at least a little surprised that I haven’t been fired yet, but I’m decent at what I do. Or not. Like I said, she is very, very non-confrontational.
To be quite honest, it would probably be in my best interest to look for a position doing something I’m more interested in. But I don’t think they have a position for a wanna-be gypsy, or professional tequila drinker, or serial procrastinator. But if they do have that kind of a position available, you should totally pencil me in.
© 2008 – 2010, Daniel Dessinger. All rights reserved.
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That reminds me…..the High Times Job Fair was on May 5th. I meant to go, but…yeah. I guess I forgot.
Chastidy:
The real key to slacker success in Corporate America,is to find the look. The look is similar to a cross between Clint Eastwood (Dirty Harry Clint) and say, maybe, Leslie Nielsen. See, Leslie could act like he didn’t know what was going on around him, despite being responsible for knocking out the Queen of England or humping the President’s wife. And the manner in which he played dumb so well, led most people to believe he might actually be innocent of his own stupidity. Clint on the other hand had the perfect poker face. Even if you did call his bluff, I mean seriously, would you want to go there?
Find the look and act busy. People walk away when you are stressed out, zoned out, and rubbing your head a lot and searching for items (that aren’t really there) on a desk cluttered in notes about your evening and weekend plans.
I am proud of you. It takes courage to confess the fact that you don’t actually do anything for a living, but what you do (do), you are very good at.
Keep up the good work Slacker Extraordinaire!
~Ozuna
FUNNY. The best part is how I’m not even a pothead. Though I do have a job interview on monday, so maybe I’ll start doing something I enjoy.
Also- thanks Bobby
that’s a very good point. Looking busy is far more important than being busy.
Another quick note:
I learned a really cool trick from a mentor I had years ago–a man people called Rick Martin. Rick told me once, whenever you walk down the halls, especially in areas where you will pass other slackers in suits looking busy, make sure to remember to carry one sheet of paper. A man walking down the hall with a sheet of paper in his hand is a man on his way to do something important.
Maybe he delivering an important memo. Maybe, he is carrying a secret formula to help the organization flourish financially and oust their corporate enemy? Maybe, is a blank sheet of paper where he writes notes on how to look busy while doing absolutely nothing but walking fast, only nodding to give the complete impression that I, carrier of the sheet of paper, don’t have time for your rabble, because I am on my way to the breakroom.
~Ozuna
I laughed outloud, at my desk; obviously doing nothing, when I read your article. Thank you for the pre-Thanksgiving laugh.
Too true. indeed.
There are many of us out there…working; working hard; always busy; busy; busy….