Confessions of an Office Slacker

I work at a small office. A very small, very boring office where we do menial work that would be done far more efficiently by a computer or a zombie. Honestly, a computer could do my job far more efficiently and I live in fear for the day that my employer realizes this and puts a computer in my place. The computer also wouldn’t crunch loudly on sunflower seeds, text, twitter, or take frequent restroom breaks because she’s fidgety and can’t sit still for five seconds. The computer wouldn’t cost twenty grand a year and also would never, ever complain about it being too cold. Ever.

A variety of people are employed at my place of business, but most of them tend to be anti-social eccentrics who keep to themselves. They laugh at inappropriate times and have no clue what to say to you in the elevator. They live alone and don’t really talk to people and tend to be in their late 40’s. Being in my mid-twenties and fairly social, I tend to stand out. But I really like this job because I can come in hung over with green hair and a paint covered t-shirt, sweats and fuzzy slippers and no one even looks at me funny (yes, this was an actual outfit.) I will admit that I’m a slacker, and the ability to be one and still work is the most appealing part of this job. God forbid I work somewhere I actually have to dress up- or wear shoes.

My boss is very nice – probably too nice for her own good. She tends to be very non-confrontational about things, and would rather not offend anyone than say what she really thinks. This works out for me, because I’m passive aggressive. When she instituted the no-cell phone rule, it was because I had spent almost an entire day running out of the office with my phone so I could talk to various people about my evening plans. I’m at least a little surprised that I haven’t been fired yet, but I’m decent at what I do. Or not. Like I said, she is very, very non-confrontational.

To be quite honest, it would probably be in my best interest to look for a position doing something I’m more interested in. But I don’t think they have a position for a wanna-be gypsy, or professional tequila drinker, or serial procrastinator. But if they do have that kind of a position available, you should totally pencil me in. 

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