In my ongoing effort to bring “fluff” to the Feast, I offer up my first installment of Things to hate in ’08. Since most of you all know me for the hard-hitting analytical nuggets that I drop like a B-52 over Nagasaki, you might be taken aback. I ask that you bear with me, grab a spoon, and enjoy the fluff.
The season hasn’t even started, unless you consider spring training to be part of the season, and my hatefest of the national pastime is already in midseason form. I wish I could explain my dislike of baseball, but I can’t. I can only assume it is a combination of things. Maybe it was my last season of little league where my batting average was a solid .000. Maybe it was when the Rangers traded Steve Buechele to the Pirates in 1991. OR it might stem from the time that my (former) girlfriend, who worked for a minor league baseball team, told me that she had cheated on me with four different players from the team. OUCH! So….yeah, I hate baseball. OH and did I mention that it’s a dreadfully boring game?
9. Gas Prices
This is another perennial favorite gripe of mine, but not for the reasons you might think. Honestly, I am fine with the rise in the cost of gas. The technology and processes for turning crude oil into gasoline have not changed in the last 30+ years and neither has the method for extracting oil. The thing that has changed is the demand for gasoline. As my economics professor told me, no less than, fifty times, demand is the key driver of the market. It is the American way to charge as much as people are willing to spend. And as long as we’re driving 4 mpg behemoths, we deserve to pay $4 a gallon. My problem lies in the fact that we all know that there are vehicles out there that get 30+ miles per gallon, yet we’d rather reminisce over when gas was only $1 a gallon while driving Hummers and drinking $8 Starbucks’ drinks. Change begins within.
Seriously, is this still a story? Would anybody have cared that New England got caught filming the Jet’s signals if they had gone 0-16 instead of 16-0 (18-1 counting the playoffs)? NO! Here’s a news flash for you Walter Cronkite, the Patriots are good. Tom Brady is good. Randy Moss can catch. Mike Vrabel can hit. I’d be upset if I found out that the whole team was on steroids or had paid other team’s players to throw the game. But not this. Bill Bellichek is being vilified for trying to find and exploit other team’s weaknesses in order to gain an advantage for his team. Frankly, I’m kind of pissed that Wade Philips isn’t. As Michael Irvin likes to say…it is what it is.
7. American Idol
This just in…..Americans are lazy! That is the only justification of why 20+ million people flock to their TVs 2-4 times a week to watch a glorified karaoke contest. Seriously people are you so slothful that you are unwilling to exert yourself to find new music on your own? If you really like being fed candy-coated crap then by all means….continue. For those that enjoy thinking for themselves, you should take your ears down to Bill’s Records and ask for suggestions. Yeah, Bill will check out your package, but he also knows music.
Most of my venting stems from an event that happened a few nights ago. I, as most of you know, host a trivia show. During this show I play music to fill in the gaps between questions and drown out my bantering. I play a pretty eclectic mix of classic rock, alternative, and lesser known bands. I finish my show, but I let the music play while I am talking with the players before they leave. This is nothing out of the ordinary. A woman races up to the jukebox, pumps it full of money, selects an awesome mix of Nickelback, Daughtry, and Kenny Chesney. The best part is that she starts screaming and yelling (literally) at me to turn my music off. A simple, “would you please turn your music off,” would have sufficed. Unfortunately for her, the jukebox has a “PLAY MINE FIRST” option. So I proceeded to play the Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg(y Dogg) classic “Bitches Ain’t Shit” 5 times in a row. Legendary!
6. Dane Cook / Jim Carrey / George Lopez / Blue Collar Comedy
Maybe my level of sophistication is beyond what it would have to be to find any of these guys funny, maybe they are just stupid. Either way, I truly hate their “comedy”. When I was a child, I would find physical humor to be funny, but I also used to tight roll my Bugle Boy Jeans and listen to Milli Vanilli. I grew up.
In the same vein of maturation, I outgrew my enjoyment of stereotypical humor. It doesn’t make me draw comparisons and bring me closer to different cultures. If anything, it accents the differences and fuels the fire of racial tension. I grew up in the heart of redneck country, so I have experienced racism first hand. It’s not the kind of thing that I choose to celebrate or laugh along with. F.Y.I. If you are within earshot of Jeff Foxworthy saying, “If you…..you might be a redneck”, then there is no “might” about it.
5. Sex and the City
Ladies (and the guys that like to watch it too), I’m sorry. I hate this show. I didn’t like it when it was on HBO and I don’t like it now that it’s sandwiched between the 11pm and 12am episodes of FRIENDS. I think this stems from the fact that (generally) women like to know what guys talk about with other guys and men (usually) don’t care what women talk about when they are together. So I definitely don’t want to watch a show where it is celebrated. And just a tip for you ladies out there: don’t combat a SOPRANOS conversation with a SEX AND THE CITY reference. It doesn’t make it relatable; it makes me never want to watch it. The same goes for GREY’S ANATOMY.
4. March Madness
This should be called Temporary Retardedness”. Why is it that every March a vast majority of men start proclaiming themselves experts of men’s college basketball? That’s like deciding to go buy a guitar at a pawn shop and then claiming that you’re the next Stevie Ray Vaughn. These are generally the same guys that jumped on the poker bandwagon and have a closet full of West Coast Customs and Orange County Choppers merchandise. Let me put it to you as subtle as a prison shower scene, there are sports analysts at ESPN, Fox Sports, and various other sports media outlets that are paid to be the experts. In spite of being considered a “sports expert”, they rarely predict the 32 first round winners correctly. So just fill out your bracket, tape a copy on the wall, and keep your fingers crossed. Don’t even get me started on the people that call in on the first Thursday and Friday of the tournament. I’m too busy picking up their slack.
3. Bravo’s Cookie Cutter TV Shows
Did any of you ever have the toy where you could interchange a doll’s hair, torso, and lower body? What? Am I the only one that played with dolls and doll related toys? Regardless, it seems that the executives of the TV network Bravo have taken this approach to developing shows. They have a hit with PROJECT RUNWAY, but it doesn’t mean that I want to have “Formula A” applied to every new show that comes along. Granted, it’s fine for TOP CHEF, but that MAKE ME A SUPERMODEL show is just a whip. I can’t wait to see how Jessie Spano, I mean Elizabeth Berkley (cough, cough, SHOWGIRLS!) does when Bravo applies the formula to dancing. Will I watch this show? I highly doubt it. Now if they decide to apply “Formula A” to girls pillow-fighting, then I’ll most definitely pull a 180 concerning my feelings towards the formula.
The other formula that they utilize is to make a reality show out of the most uninteresting things. I don’t care about housewives in California, housewives in New York, personal trainers, or millionaire matchmakers. I do, however, enjoy watching shows about male hairstylists that cry during every show (BLOWOUT) and gay real estate flippers (FLIPPING OUT). Unfortunately, neither of those shows is on right now. So that’s why I hate Bravo’s “Formula B” right now.
2. Hillary-Obama Drama
We are only in the primary season and I am incredibly tired of everything associated with Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. I love how it has become a debate between being a misogynist if you vote for Obama or a racist if you vote for Hillary. It’s even worse if you’re pulling for McCain. That makes you a misogynistic racist. Honestly, I don’t care about delegates, caucuses, or primaries. I live in Texas, the big, shiny buckle of the Bible Belt. The electoral votes from Texas haven’t gone to a democrat since 1976 and even then, it was by the slimmest of margins. That doesn’t mean that an informed vote is wasted in Texas, it just means that we’re going to be subjected to a lot more of either democrat if they want to win the state.
1. Sex Scandals
I don’t know which sex scandal is better; the one involving former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer or the one involving former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey. Both of them are so ripe and juicy that nectar squirts out if you bite into them. Either way, I’m sick of the double standard. Theodore Pederson was the centerpoint of the NJ sex scandal. He admittedly had sex with the former governor, prompting the governor to come out as a “gay American”. I was under the impression that if you were American and gay that it goes without saying that you are a gay American. It has also come out that Pederson “allegedly” engaged in 3-ways with the governor and his wife, Dina Matos (McGreevey).
I’m not so much concerned with whether or not it happened. I could care less. I’m just upset that Theodore Pederson hasn’t received all of the notoriety that Ashley Alexandra Dupré has. Once again, this is another case of society making people famous for nothing special, and you all know how I feel about that.
On a lighter note, what’s the deal with all of the celebrities having sextapes and nude pictures hitting the internet? Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy seeing Kristin Davis and other celebrities’ naughty bits, but why do you all keep making it so easy? Honorable Mention – Owen Wilson
As I am writing this, a trailer for DRILLBIT TAYLOR is on TV. I’m just so over this crooked-nose mofo. I have total schnozal envy. I admit it. OK, I know he is from Dallas, but he’s definitely the least talented of the Wilson brothers. And no….I’m not referring to Luke either. The most talented of the brothers is Andrew Wilson. His portrayal of “Beef Supreme” in IDIOCRACY is nothing short of classic.
- My Deep-Seated American Idol Aversion
- Movie Review: Sex and the City
- A Very Brady Idol
- GM Vice Chairman Calls for Higher Gas Prices
- American Idol Results Are In!
© 2008 – 2009, Nicholas Johnson. All rights reserved.