I’m a single woman in my (gulp) late twenties. I do not have a boyfriend or children. I do not travel much. Really, the only sort of quirky thing about my life is that I have birds…instead of cats. It really should be a simple life, but somehow I just do not have enough hours in the day.
I have a good job. Of course it isn’t perfect. While it isn’t a bad job, it doesn’t pay enough to keep up with my bills and life style. To make up the difference, I work more. I write for a couple websites, design sites, and write novels and novellas. What started as a social venture soon became a way of paying for my social life when I shifted from just singing Karaoke to helping run a karaoke show or two a week.
During the week, and most Saturdays actually, my day starts at 6:30 a.m. and it keeps going until 2-3:00 a.m. It doesn’t seem to slow down either. By the time I get off work at 5:00, drive back to the north side of town, make dinner, spend time with the birds (yes pet birds need attention and out of cage time) write for a couple sites, and get some work done around the house, it is time to change clothes and run off to another obligation. The weekends aren’t much better. I work most Saturday mornings, and my Sunday’s aren’t crazy, but I usually have places to be. I’m lucky if I have one night a week where I do not have plans. Even with that I am usually working from home that night too. I know that I have hurt people’s feelings because I have not wanted to give up that one night of freedom
None of this includes laundry, grocery shopping or (gasp) me time. The thing is, I’m not the only person with this type of schedule. Our culture pushes us to be independent. We feel like if we aren’t self sufficient we aren’t really grown ups. We work multiple jobs, and try to have full social lives, and we usually suffer the burnout. It is just part of life. I’m not sure why we are so driven. We want it all. We want the job, the friends, the social life and the spouse….ok fine and some of us even want kids. We want to ahve time to do it all and enjoy it all. Even when we are spent to out limit we keep going.
Recently, I was feeling all sorry for my self. Yes, I was being quite pathetic. I was sad because I was living this life all on my own. I looked at my friends who had someone to go to the store, or start dinner, or just be there at the end of the day. I do admit being all on my own sucks from time to time. I do wish I had someone to pick up the slack. I half joke about how I would do anything for a husband with a good job and benefits. That way I could pursue my writing career full time. I want more than a frantic birds to return home to every night. I was someone to pay half the bills and occasionally be my designated driver.
As I finally came to my senses and agreed that it was fine to want those things, but pathetic to pine for them, I had a moment of clarity: Yeah, that would all be nice, but where would I find the time? I meet guys all the time. Admittedly, most of them are not interested, I’m just not impressed by most of the ones that are. The excuse I give for not pursing the relationships is: I don’t have the time. Yes, I have let perfectly good guys walk away because really I’m swamped. I’ve also used the “I’m busy” excuse to keep me from having to spend time with others. From my perspective, none of them seem worth putting all that I have going on hold. They aren’t worth giving up my writing time, my current friends, or anything else. Honestly, I just don’t have time to build and cultivate a relationship. I like my crazy life.
Here is the bottom line: If I find a guy who I think is worth it, I will find the time. Maybe my lack of time is my defense. I could make the time for these guys if I wanted. However, I just don’t feel the need. There just isn’t enough interest there to make giving up what I have worth while.
For now, I’m not looking any more. I’m just living my life. My life isn’t really all that different than any other single person my age. I’m going to keep enjoying my life and my freedom. Of course I’ll have bad moments, but in the end I know that I am living my life they way I want to. It might be crazy and exhausting, but it is all mine.
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© 2008, Jenni Hammitt. All rights reserved.