No Child Left Behind
Posted on 20 October 2008 by Michael Callaway
You maybe reading this title and think that I am going to blog about the flawed policy of tying school funding to test results. While that would be interesting this is not what I am here to discuss today. I am talking about no child being left behind when it comes to ruining the perfect life you had before the child came to be. No child is left behind from this experience, they all do it and nothing you can say or do will convince me otherwise.
I know at some point my life as a dual income no kids life will come to an end. I do not know when and I am not sure how, but I know it will. Much like young Princes Leia when she was standing on the Death Star looking out on to her home planet of Alderan, at some point the governor is going to give the order, the guns are going to power up and the planet will be blown to smithereens. That is what having children is like, watching your home planet get blown to smithereens.
I feel like my friends that have children are like Eliza Doolittle from “My Fair Lady” and that they are singing “Just you wait, Henry Higgins, just you wait!” Now I do not have tangible proof that this is the case, however, this weekend we went on a mini-vacation with friends who have a child and I could have sworn I heard her singing this song.
“Just you wait, Mr. Callaway, just you wait!
You’ll be sorry, but your tears’ll be too late!
Children move slow and cost lots of money;
Will anyone help you? Don’t be funny!
Just you wait, Mr. Callaway, just you wait!”
“Just you wait, Mr. Callaway, just you wait!
With a child you suffer a prisoner’s fate!
They will be screaming in the malls;
They will be running down the halls!
Just you wait, Mr. Callaway, just you wait!”
What scares me the most is everyone always says that their child is one of the best. Really, one of the best? So, I could have worse? On no! If I knew someone who was honest and they said, “Never in my life have I met a more hellion child then mine”, then I might feel better.
You see, now I would have a worse case scenario that I could begin to weigh the cost against. Here is potentially the worst child in the world, is it worth it to me to have that? After weighing the probabilities of having this, this Rosemary’s baby, then I can come to a conclusion that balances the risk/reward quotient. As it stands now I do not know what I am getting into because all parents suffer from Stockholm’s Syndrome. They have identified with their captors and think that they are treated better then most other hostage victims. Very tricky these little captors they are.
Again, do not get me wrong, I did not mean to treat you wrong. Children are a vital part of our economy and eco-system. If it was not for children then we would not have adults and adults are what make the world go round. However, it would really help if we could have the same choice that sharks have. If they must, they can eat their young, no questions asked. I am sure children would be better behaved if they knew that was a possibility.
In the end, like the brave Texans defending the Alamo I am in a losing battle. The forces of children are all around me with no possibility of escape. I also know that when I do become a dad I will become one of those dads that drive me crazy. I will be asking the next young couple that I meet the burning question that just simply must be asked. The question that I am dying to hear the answer to, the one that inquiring minds want to know. “So, when are you having kids?”
I will then follow it up with how it is the best thing to ever happen to me and that I would not have it any other way. I will have become institutionalized just like in the “Shawshank Redemption”, at first you hate the walls, then you grow accustomed to them, after awhile, you can’t live without them. That is institutionalized.
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October 21st, 2008 at 6:50 am
Every parent will tell you that their child is the best, while privately thinking all others just don’t measure up. It is the nature of being a mom or dad.
Your last paragraph is so true. I resisted having kids for years but once I relented, it was the best thing that ever happened to me (I, too, am one of those dads). The institutionalization is inevitable, but it is great. Most parents will agree.
Resistance is futile. Join us.