CultureFeast » relationships

Why Valentines Day is Super Lame

Jenni Hammitt — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 18:37:28 +0000

By Jenni Hammitt

February 9, 2009

I’ve never been a big fan of Valentine’s Day. I mean, I get the whole “used to be a pagan holiday” thing. Basically it was a tribute to one of their Pagan gods. The names of women would be put into a basket and they would be drawn by a teenage boy. It was sort of a dating/hook up lottery. Well obviously this did not go over well in the Christian church.

The church’s attempt to do away with it became a day associated with St. Valentine. He was beheaded by the Roman Emperor Claudius II , for performing marriages (Claudius had sort of banned them). Somehow the tradition of sending notes or offering notes to women men wanted to court in St Valentine’s name became the new tradition. I can get behind that. But I can’t get behind is what is has become.

I never really realized how anti-Valentines day I was until about a week ago. I had always chalked it up to being the clichéd bitter single girl every single year. I have never had a person to spend it with or to get me stuff. I figured I was just being difficult. Now I see it is more. At work we do these holiday gift exchanges to raise morale. For Valentine’s Day, we are doing Clever Cupids.

I participate because well I do want people at work to think I am somewhat normal, and it can be fun. I’m filling out the form, and I can come up with tons of things I don’t want from my Clever Cupid, but I’m having some issues coming up with what I do want. Yeah, I am not so much a fan of pink. I’m don’t really like hearts, or much of anything super girly. Really most Valentine Themed things make my stomach turn. I was trying to think of anything I could put down for items I wanted, and that is when I realized I cared more about Chinese New Year than Valentine’s Day. I just do not get the commercialized behemoth it has become.

The idea of offering notes to the one they love or to the ones they want to court is cute. Even the way little kids celebrate it at school is cute. However, it is when we become grown ups that it just all falls to pieces. I went into Target shortly before Christmas and I already saw the pink stuff flying. Before the after Christmas sales were wrapped up, Valentine’s Day items were on the shelves. Women expect nice dinners, candy and even jewelry. It is enough to make your head spin. With birthdays, anniversaries and other assorted holidays depending on your faith and commercial leanings, this just seems like insult to injury.

Of course, the media perpetuates this common belief in American society. That means that the pressure is piled on by commercials, magazines, billboards and any other medium that will play along. I can see how women expect it and men have to live up to it. I just don’t necessarily agree with it.

What is with all this pink and red crap. Seriously, I would actually feel sorry for any guy who had to try and buy me something for this “Hallmark Holiday.” Unless he can find me black roses (not dead ones) and something not pink and girly without spending a fortune…he’d just be out of luck. I guess it is a good thing I’m single. Even girls who are not into all the pink and heart stuff suddenly become advocates for that twenty-four hours. I just can’t buy into it. No matter how many times I’m told it just the accepted thing to do, it just isn’t me.

Why does the guy have to go all out one day a year? I just don’t get this. I’d rather have him do little things and consistently be there through out the year. In the end, it is really only the little things that matter any way. If the relationship is neglected and already in trouble, a big show is not going to save it from crumbling. If the relationship is has been well maintained by both parties, and they must celebrate, a small little “thank you” of some sorts should be sufficient. All of the responsibility should not fall on one party, and it doesn’t have to be extravagant and over the top.

I’m not even going to jump on the how it makes it seem like if you aren’t in a relationship you are worth less camp. That is another rant for another day. All I am going to say is this: If you are single and you want to participate, show you love for you friends. Let them know you appreciate them. Love comes in all types. So what if you don’t have romantic love, hopefully you have love for your friends and family. Keep the original concept of the holiday and take the time to show some love to the people in your life.

Maybe I’m the exception to the rule, but I just do not see why we buy into all of this. I think that at its inception, the holiday was a great idea. However, commercial greed took over and now it is this pink and red monster assailing pocketbooks, checking accounts and unwitting consumers each day. February 14 will just be another Saturday to me. I will go to work. I will spend time with my friends. That alone will make me happy.

Similar Posts:

Yes, Even Intimacy Needs Boundaries

Lisa Pawlowski — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 15:54:27 +0000

By Lisa Pawlowski

January 6, 2009

When my husband and I had been married for two years, a single girlfriend of mine (we’ll call her Macy) asked me a very personal question.

Macy’s personality was that of a desperate chameleon, a toxic mixture of trying to be what she thought the man she dated wanted her to be, and, approaching the age of twenty-five, feeling pressure to get married.

She had been dating a guy for a few months when she told me that she was nervous around him, afraid that she would do the wrong thing and turn him off. This nervousness always affected her stomach.

“So there we were,” Macy said, “Watching a movie at my place and I had gas. I mean bad. The smelly kind. And I kept getting up going the bathroom so I wouldn’t fart in front of him. I know he was wondering what was going on. Anyway, I was wondering, how long was it before you could fart in front of Kevin?”

The conversation may seem oddly frank, especially to those men who aren’t familiar with the candid openness that can occur between girlfriends. Knowing Macy the way I did, she was showing an unusual degree of restraint in describing the situation and asking the question. In the past, she has gone into much more vivid and descriptive detail about personal events.

Living with a person day in and day out is bound to knock down some boundaries. But there are some that persist, for good reason.

I knew a lady who would never let her husband see her without make-up. There was a news story about a woman who would never let her partner see her without her false teeth. Some women won’t weigh themselves, bathe or pluck their eyebrows in front of their spouses. In my marriage, my husband and I are both agree that walking in on the other while on the toilet is just not cool (I thought that was the rule everyone had in their homes, but, I’m told, some people do it either because their home has only one bathroom or the couple doesn’t think it’s all that gross). It’s also not unusual to find couples who won’t blow their noses in front of each other.

Intimacy is a great thing, but I think there is a point where too much intimacy is gross. Where are the boundaries in your relationships?

Similar Posts:

When is it Time to Remove your Online Dating Profile?

Nicholas Johnson — Fri, 30 May 2008 13:12:56 +0000

By Nicholas Johnson

May 30, 2008

I have never been one to dodge and weave when it comes to my feelings on dating, marriage, and the opposite sex altogether. While it might serve others to be a little more reserved or allusive, that’s just not my style. There is no need to keep the emotional “walls” when being totally open and upfront serves as something of a tool to weed out those that couldn’t handle my life experiences. At the age of 30, it is becoming more and more commonplace to find myself sitting across the table from a lady with a similar emotional background. Honestly, if you’re 30 and not married or divorced then you will probably fall into the minority in the dating scene.

Which leads me to my point: I have spent the last couple of years dating and finding myself in short-term relationships. I have met a lot of women through the more traditional means (i.e. through friends, family,work) as well as the “new traditional” means (match.com and other various internet sites). I cannot say that any method has been better than another one. Some dates have been good. Some were not so good. And the select few led to something more. The “something more” phase is pretty much the NO MAN’S LAND of NO MAN’S LANDs when you are starting to get serious with someone. In the days of Myspace, Facebook, and Twitter pretty much all of your activity (or inactivity) is open to scrutiny.

This means that if you are starting to date someone regularly via match.com, there is always the catch-22 of being“caught” looking at other profiles or messaging others because it lets others know when you last logged-in. On the same note, the person you are dating would have had to been on there to know that you had been. It has all sorts of ramifications that can be taken a variety of ways, unless you are proactive about it.

I have adopted the 30/30/30 method. Basically it means if you have either been seeing someone for 30 days, exchanged 30+ realistically romantic emails, or spend at least 30 minutes a day on the phone then it is time to stop putting out the feelers. Whether you’re willing to admit it, either you (or your fancy) probably think of the two of you as a couple once you have reached this point. There is absolutely nothing wrong with setting some initial boundaries that will act as a verbal contract between two people. It’s a great way for both people to grow the relationship at its own pace and provides a checkpoint to evaluate how things are progressing. Also, if after that watermark is reached, it provides a clean breaking point if the bond doesn’t look to have any real future.

Regardless of how two people are brought together, there is still an inherent need to feel wanted, appreciated, and respected. As we all know, open communication is the basis of most healthy relationships. If we learn to break out of our “don’t say too much, too soon” mold, we can avoid finding ourselves in the dating NO MAN’S LAND. Dating is a wonderful institution and the one proven method of finding that one special significant other that will truly compliment our wants and needs. The landscape of dating continues to change and happiness lies in our ability to change our approach and conduct within it.

Similar Posts:

Book Review: It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken

Daniel Dessinger — Thu, 15 May 2008 18:33:33 +0000

By Daniel Dessinger

May 15, 2008

The Smart Girl's Breakup Buddy

I came across this book quite randomly at the library and picked it up because it had a cute cover and was written by the same guy who wrote “He’s Just Not That Into You”, and I really enjoyed that book. This book is about the entire process that occurs when you end a relationship. From the breakup itself to the bingeing, drinking, crying escapades that ensue afterward- this book covers it.

The book is written by Greg Behrendt and his wife, Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt, and is based very much on their experiences as well as the experiences of the anonymous people they use for anecdotes throughout the book. Many of the tales are funny, some are sad, and others are plain ridiculous. Whatever you are going through, there is a story in the book that can come close. There is always something to relate to.

One of the things that I really appreciated about this book is how they point out that just because things don’t work out in a relationship it doesn’t mean either of you is a bad person. Also, they provide helpful journaling exercises and many fill in the blank workbook-type activities to help you sort through your feelings. Their suggestions range from just plain smart (60 days without contact with your ex) to completely silly (re-arrange your furniture). However, in the end, it’s all about getting you back on track to be a better, more fabulous, single version of you. That way, as the book states, when the right person comes along you’ll be ready for them.

While I really enjoyed all the pep talking, at one point the lingo they use in the book got on my nerves. They talk about how you’re a “superfox”, and while I’m all for a self-esteem party and affirmations, I don’t like that word. By the end of the book I was cringing every time they said it- literally- teeth-on-edge-if-you-say-that-again-I’ll-stab-you-with-a-spork annoying. But besides that part, I really enjoyed this book. It made me feel better about myself, and I’m not even going through a breakup. It just reminds you that YOUR life is about YOU. It’s self-empowering, nurturing and even somewhat indulgent to read this book, and I highly recommend it.

Similar Posts:

The Perfect Pick-Up Line 2.0

Daniel Dessinger — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 21:40:30 +0000

By Daniel Dessinger

March 15, 2007

I’m sitting at Panera Bread with Nathan Holman, wondering how to best help him find the right woman. Well, maybe I’m not so concerned about the right woman as he is. I just wanted to see if I could play a part in it. So I brainstormed (yes, this is what I do with my spare minutes), and came up with a killer idea.

Pick-Up lines are so last decade. It’s time for the pick-up line to step into the 21st Century. So here’s the plan:

Step 1: Pick out the woman in a cafe (take your time: find one suitable to your tastes)

Step 2: Make sure she’s not wearing a ring (that’s always a mood killer)

Step 3: Get your camera phone ready for a picture

Step 4: Plan your route to the restroom strategically for at least two strafing runs

Step 5: Take her picture

Step 6: Return to your laptop

Step 7: Write a blog about the most beautiful woman sitting in your cafe, how you asked her out on a date, she said yes, and they both lived happily ever after (the details here can be your own)

Step 8: Add the picture you took

Step 9: Post the blog with her photo

Step 10: Pick up your laptop

Step 11: Carry it over to her table

Step 12: Set it down gently in front of her

Step 13: Calmly take your seat across the table

Step 14: Smoothly swivel your laptop to face her

Step 15: Say to her, “Hi, I’m ____. I was wondering if you could make this come true”

Step 16: Get her number

See how easy that was?!?!?!? You stud, you. Rinse and repeat.

******Emergency Step 17***********

If she happens to look horrified that you took her picture without her consent and she makes a move to call the police to grab a random blunt object from her purse, grab your computer and run like hell!

Similar Posts:

A Thought on Married Life

Daniel Dessinger — Fri, 03 Nov 2006 00:21:03 +0000

By Daniel Dessinger

November 2, 2006

Married life is good. Let me tell you, I never thought I would enjoy spending time with my wife as much as I do. I enjoy her company.

Simple things are what make life pleasant. Things like seeing her for lunch almost every day of the week. We enjoy most of the same tv shows (she’s not a Mavericks or Cowboys fan, for which I forgive her). She willingly and bravely suffers my movie addiction. I suffer her need to save money rather than spend (not so much a virtue on my part).

I’m not looking at the big picture right now. Honestly, the big picture seems to fluctuate so often, I’d rather live day to day. We don’t avoid planning or setting goals, we just keep a few extras close to hand because we know our tastes and preferences change over time.

God has blessed our marriage. I am blessed to be in covenant relationship with a beautiful woman who is ever increasing in playfulness and sense of humor. She’s better at several important things than I am, which makes her a valuable part of our family team.

She’s pulling up in the driveway for lunch. Life is good.

Similar Posts: